Welcome to my world.

I am awake at this absurd hour because of a problem in NY. It's not even my territory, and I'm a sleepless ball of decadence because of - yes, even I find this hard to believe - Batman.

The man who does my job in the NY region is Nigel Wentworth. He's 50 years my junior, but very charming, intelligent, and savvy in the ways of keeping our world hidden from mortal eyes. Little did we know that a nationwide problem was brewing in Manhattan while I was posting my last e-mail reply, and the result was a disaster the likes of which I am unaccustomed.

It starts with a nameless vampyre, whom I will call MM (for Maximum Moron) sitting down with a member of the press and giving an interview. The kicker is that MM was dressed as Batman. Yes, the comic book character, but in a costume to represent the updated version now seen in theaters. To our utter shock, he allowed them to take pictures demonstrating his "superpowers," including a leap that covered thirty feet in height. Oh, but the topper was a photo of him smiling, with all four canines extended.

The interview, itself, was helpful to Nigel in that he's been searching for months for the vampyre that's been draining the criminal element dry. In true vigilante style, someone has been hunting "the bad guys" and feeding until they're dead. Bodies were being found all over NY with puncture marks in their necks. Instead of using the "lick trick," which hides marks of feeding, MM, the magical dolt beyond understanding, has been leaving evidence for all the world to see.

But only we know that last fact. You see, it's the habit of the police to withhold information from the public so that when they catch the real killer, said killer will be the only one besides the police about that little detail. They chose the hide the marks...and not by accident.

The term "spin-doctor" not only refers to the concept of putting a specific spin on a story, but also because of the webs we weave. One of the reasons I haven't been doing much since July is that I've been re-spinning my web. I need contacts in newspapers, television stations, with the police, and various informants on the streets. My salary from the vampyre community may seem grotesquely high, but a good portion of that money is redistributed amongst my agents that roam the day and night.

Nigel has the same, and yesterday morning, in the New York Daily News, was the story, "An Interview with Batman." Since most of our denizens sleep through the day, we remained unaware of the story. Only when Nigel awoke did he discover every phone he had was ringing non-stop. By then, it was worse than he could have imagined. The Associated Press had picked up the story, and it was now on the Internet. "Meet the Real, Batman."

Remember when I said that I'm working on this blog to stave off boredom? Well, MM has chosen to use his powers for good, and is fighting crime. How humanitarian. How noble. How utterly and completely STUPID to give a nighttime interview and allow pictures to be taken!

Nigel and I are guessing that he's either an old vampyre that's lost touch with reality, or a young vampyre that thinks he can use his gifts to perform good deeds. Either way, it became an entire night of phone calls and the throwing away of over $500,000 on my part. It was as bad, if not worse, for Nigel in NY. The same occurred with spin-doctors all over the globe, as we have been away for over 18 hours, trying to undo what one twit did.

Our work so far:

1. "Batman" has been exposed as a hoax. Because they were merely photos, higher quality pictures have surfaced that clearly show wires holding him aloft during his majestic leap." YouTube was put to use, as one of our lackeys was given the assignment of "attacking Batman." In the video, he demonstrates how to apply false canines. They are, after all, available during Halloween, without an entire set of fake teeth.

2. The reporter and photographer who took the story have been paid to confess that they were taken in by a huckster of exceptional ability. "Everything just looked so real," she will be reported as saying in tomorrow's newspaper. While Nigel already has contacts inside The New York Daily News, we decided another would not be such a bad idea, and so he will throw her the occasionally expensive bone for her silence.

3. The money I mentioned has been spread far and wide for word to be spread that MM is a hoax in every way. It will be a bullet nationwide on every television news program that this "snake oil salesman" was simply trying to put a better face on the fact that he is killing criminals. There is a justice system for a reason, and he is not above the law.

4. A warrant has been issued for the vigilante known as "Batman." Suspect is to be considered armed and extremely dangerous, and a special code for police has been established. If they see him, they call in that code, a phone call is made, and then our people will rush to the scene to take care of the situation. To have the police engage a rogue member of our own is to risk needless death of mortals and further exposure of our world.

5. Since the doctors have been on the phone so much with one another, trying to make sure all of our stories match, we've all placed calls to our regional Princes and Princesses, requesting word be spread that such tomfoolery will not be tolerated. Antics such as those of MM now carry a sentence of final sunrise.

6. Agents are now working every airport that can be reached within two hours. Because MM hid behind a mask, they are looking for anyone who looks as though he's missed the summer sun for some time.

The least of our problems, and one that I find the most humorous, is that a lawyer somehow reached Nigel. We're not sure how the lawyer knew to contact Nigel, and it's being researched. The barrister represents DC Comics, and is looking to sue someone for copyright infringement. Like we asked for this stupidity and wanted to steal their material. How, pray tell, are we supposed to have known in advance that a vampyre would go rogue and start using a trademarked character? Nigel was quite funny is his reply. "Look, you unadulterated git. When he's found, he will probably resist arrest. He will be turned to little more than minced meat by the end of such an encounter. If you like, I'll see what I can do about having the corpse delivered to your doorstep, and you can sue it for all the money you think you can get. Now stop wasting my time, or I will find what vampyres I can, if they even exist, and sue you for creating a vigilante that works by night. That was the vampyre gig first, you know, and rumor has it they've been around a lot longer than your precious Batman." And he hung up.

Now, before I receive a dozen e-mails asking why I'm not being eliminated for this blog, I feel the need to remind all readers that there is nothing here that can be proven. I am not providing pictures. The news stories and videos you may find are now about a hoax. Nigel, and English immigrant, doesn't have the last name of Wentworth. As far as anyone knows, this all remains fiction. Right?

I'm off to try and gain a few hours rest. I will do what I can to keep you all appraised of our adventures with "Batman."

PS: The girls down in the guesthouse have been trying to teach me more about the goings-on of the Internet. One of their favorite lessons has been about using these sideways faces. They tell me that the use of these faces would add personality to my posts. (They know of my blog, but haven't read it. The computers I've given then have been set up so that they cannot access anything associated to the word "vampyre" or "vampire.") Since this seems to be something of cultural importance, I may start adding them to my posts, if only to seem more savvy.