"The greatest trick...

...the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." I love that line from The Usual Suspects. And if that statement were taken as an axiom, then we are all devils in our own right.

I've been busy since waking in July, catching up with the world and its new found wonders. Not only did Eddie buy a personal computer, (which was obviously not a Commodore 64 as I had suspected when I'd hung up the cell phone), but also something called a DVD player and more than a few DVDs. Along with several excellent films, there was an abundant supply of what we both refer to as comedies.

Take this "Blade" character. "Ooooh...The Day Walker!" If any such thing were vaguely possible, vampyres across the globe have chased after it centuries ago. The last thing we'd do is speak with the shock and awe of the vampyres depicted in the film. No, we'd hunt him down and dissect him until all the secrets of his very existence were revealed. That trilogy of film brought about many bits of interesting of fiction. Using the most powerful sun block to walk in the Purity...disintegrating at the instant of final death...our flesh burning from ultraviolet light. Silliness to the highest degree.

I feel it important to dispel some of these illusions before I go on with anything else, as I sense e-mails and comments will start occupying most of my time on this Internet. Oh, I certainly invite people to ask questions, but I honestly don't want to waste time on foolishness brought to my attention because some writer out there has an over-active imagination.

There is only one circumstance that would cause a vampyre to turn to ash rapidly, and that's exposure to the sun. It's the most agonizing 60 seconds one can experience. Medical science tells us that searing the flesh will cause the nervous system to shut down, blessedly relieving someone being immolated of ongoing pain. That's not the case for a vampyre. We feel it the whole time; every ounce of suffering registers, and I only know of only a few that managed to hold back their screams for a bit before attempting to vocalize what was being felt. On those occasions that I was exposed to sun, I did not prove to be so strong. There are no words to properly describe the sensation. I would suggest bathing in a pool of magma, but then you'd never survive long enough to gain a full understanding.

Another little known fact is that a dead vampyre exposed to the Purity does not turn to ash. Such a thing only happens if a "living" member of the brethren is left in the light.

The Purity. That's what we sometimes call the sun. You see, there is a degree of mysticism behind our existence. Becoming one of the undead is a somewhat complicated process, and we come away with our immortal souls tainted. For all of the imaginative inventions of books and movies, it is the purity of sunlight that burns us to cinders.

The next comedic aspect on the list is holy water. Please, people...it's water! Water "blessed" by a man, no less. In a conversation with one of the sisters some time ago, she had this to say: "After 283 years, I have yet to meet the mortal that is without so much as a drop of sin marring his soul. Until G-d, Himself, comes down from on high and blesses the water, we will be able to bathe in the stuff."

Oh...I should get this out of the way before people wonder. We have taken on the habit of the Hebrews and refuse to spell out His name. It may be mere superstition or it could be actual fact, but we don't speak of Him for fear of drawing His eyes to us. For that reason, we skip the O when speaking of G-d.

Garlic, not casting a shadow, no reflection in mirrors, unable to cross running water, holy symbols, inability to enter a private place without invitation...I honestly don't know who comes up with all of this nonsense. My collection of holy symbols, either for their artistry or because they're antiques, certainly dismisses that myth.

A stake through the heart...Now there we have a touch of the truth. It will paralyze us. Not the "limp as a rag doll" kind of paralysis, but a "locked in position like a marble statue" kind of paralysis. Of course, getting a stake into the heart of a vampyre is the real trick. First of all, you need the right kind of stake, and if you think I'm telling you what it needs to be made of, you're barking up the wrong tree. Your next problem is trying to get the stake into the heart of an active vampyre. We don't sleep as deeply as some stories would like you to believe. We are not immobile or in a coma. Most of us sleep in something that makes noise. Even those who go with a traditional coffin use the "squeaky hinge" trick. Those noises tend to get the vampyre awake, out of bed, and very mobile. If the one holding the stake is a mere mortal, then it is between you and G-d as to who will win...the human or the supernatural creature of the night?

While our bodies can take a great deal of abuse, we have our limits. Severe brain trauma, separating the head from the neck, draining the vampyre empty, or chewing up the body so badly that it can't be recognized - such as with a wood-chipper - usually does the trick.

So let's take a slightly closer look at our dearly departed miscreant, Sean McCullough. Eddie dislodged enough of Sean's brain box to put an end to that fiasco. Rather than posing any kind of problem by leaving his corpse behind, it was a boon, as it stopped the police from eying any feeding vampyres and lovers nibbling on one another's necks. The former scenario would have been a true disaster, because the victim of a feeding would likely be closely examined and wind up providing all the evidence needed to confirm out existence.

Eddie did some minimal checking and confirmed Sean was autopsied. That's as far as Eddie's efforts went, because it was well-known what would be found in a detailed examination of the corpse. The organs don't look any different than a mortal's. Extending our canines takes concentration, and when said concentration is lost, they retract. (To be honest, we can extend all of our teeth, but we're looking to puncture for sustenance, not savage the body for a blood bath.) No doubt Sean lost all concentration when he lost most of his head, so his canines retracted. As for blood tests, a coroner would find the victim was suffering from hemolytic anemia, which is a disease that causes the breakdown of red blood cells faster that the body can reproduce them. (The truth is more complicated than that, but to the mortal eye, that's all that can be seen.)

In this way, mankind lends a hand in maintaining our nonexistence.