I need tights.

Yes, dear readers...I need tights, a cape, a day job that manages to land me vital information without my looking for it, and a clever disguise to fool friends, family, and coworkers. For that last, I'm contemplating a pair of glasses. That should fool everyone, right?

Liam Faust, along with his handler, Madison, made a critical error last night. Thankfully, all of the pieces fell into place, and "The New Teeth on the Block" are not in nearly as much trouble as they think.

My first call was to the Seattle Police Department, where I learned from my contact there that the corpse was discovered by a building maintenance man around 7:00 AM. As per their rule books, the police did their singing and dancing, including a charming little number called "Canvassing the Neighborhood." (Forgive my sardonic tone, but it's really quite silly to me, considering we control the system so well in our subtle ways.) Because this was a vampyre corpse that Liam left on his own apartment building, they likely knocked on his door, but he was asleep and didn't answer. All the better, because if he was taken in for questioning and started to scream and smolder in the sun, this would have been a nightmare beyond reckoning.

The corpse...Ah, bless Liam's inactive heart, but the boy was lucky enough to cut off the head and leave the stake in its heart. This ties in nicely with a psychological profile that I faxed over not long ago.

"Unknown subject is probably a paranoid schizophrenic with a fixation on vampires. The decapitated head is likely to be found in a river with its mouth stuffed with garlic and a holy symbol, as sources state such rituals prevent a vampire from rising again. Subject is likely unaware that the corpse did not turn to ash in sunlight as he expected, and is confident that his victim is thoroughly destroyed.

"Subject likely shows confidence in sunlight and well-lit rooms, but sinks into his deepest schisms of paranoia in deep shadows and during the night. Given the strength needed to remove the head with what appears to be a small blade (reference coroner's report, pg. 2), subject is likely male. Since the stake appears to be made of [miscellaneous wood, because I'm still not giving away that secret], it may have been created using sporting equipment. Subject may be employed at a sports facility, sporting goods supplier, or manufacturer.

"Detailed profile to follow after further evidence is supplied."

The evidence? A stake, clothes, and a corpse. Everything is awaiting what I would have called pure fantasy back in 1983. Since no prints have been found on the body, they might exist on the clothes. Believing a serial killer is just starting his work, they will be scanning the clothing with a laser and attempting to reconstruct fingerprints from the readout. But - Oh my! The clothes are about to go missing. I can see it now as my agent inside the police department says, "It must be a clerical error. We'll follow the chain of evidence and see when it might have gone missing."

Burned in a metal drum in some back alley, most likely. All for the low, low price of $5,000. Serpico, my agent is not.

To my contact at the Seattle Times goes $10,000 for working up an article entitled "The Hunter at Midnight," giving her full credit for coining the name, "The Seattle Vampire Hunter." I fed her the story, along with every false detail I could, which will allow for potential mistakes by Liam in the future. Why, I might even suggest to him that he purposely leave unfinished work lying about to perpetuate the ongoing fiction. And because Gustav seems to be the leading the front-page, my contact's story will appear on page one of the local section of the paper. This is favorable in my eyes, as it leaves the tale public, but buries it deep beneath the news that nature's wrath is beating the coast of Louisiana.

So, not only is the illusory in place, with the police about to begin a wild goose chase for a head that no longer exists, evidence that's been destroyed, and a psychotic individual with a vampyre fixation, but luck was on our side when they ran the prints of the victim. He's a wanted felon, with numerous charges of sexual assault and attempted murder. I didn't even have to insert that fallacy; it's the G-d's honest truth! This will move the search for his killer back a few steps, as the police will view it more along the lines of vigilante justice. Why, it will be just like some police show on television, with the veteran cop grumbling, "One more scumbag off the streets. I say we give the killer a medal."

Meanwhile, behind the curtain, Madison has received a reprimand. The job of a "handler" is to handle the situation of an uneducated vampyre, not to handle the vampyre him or herself. If she cannot conduct herself in a professional manner, she will be invited to go freelance, like Eddie Verdone; he simply chose to go about his own business, despite having been offered a position amongst the midline echelon, like myself.

There is also the little matter of taking money from Liam's bounties. Madison is being paid for her services. She need not play him for a fool. Every vampire of self-worth needs that kind of money to establish a proper home, and her demand for half of Liam's bounty was selfish and greedy. We sin enough daily; we need not add base avarice to the list. Exceptional avarice is another story altogether.

Thus, "Super Charles" has saved the night once again. As long as Liam and Madison don't make any further mistakes, the current psychotic killing should become a cold case, with no chance of being solved. Oh, we might have that dynamic duo throw the police a false bone in the way of another corpse from the mysterious vampyre killer, but I'll likely save that for when we need a distraction in that neighborhood.

Now, with my night spent spinning webs, and the day spent arranging the skein neatly, I think I will peruse the web for a proper costume for "Vamp-Man," hero of the nocturnal community.